28 April 2011

Sharing A Piece of My Heart

[I wrote this post early in my mom's battle but waited to post it. Updates about my mom below]

I have put this post off for a long time,

not knowing where to start

not wanting to give it legitimacy

not wanting it to be a reality

but it is.

Cancer isn't new to my family. Grandparents on both sides battled it. In those cases I either wasn't born, I was young, or I was far away. I still grieve for these losses and for the effects it's had on those I love, but it always seemed a bit distant from me.

Until one day it let itself into my parent's house (the house where I grew up), took off it's shoes, and got cozy on the couch.

Cancer has become a reality now and no distance or age or denial can stop it.

My mother has breast cancer.

Those words hurt to write. They sting my eyes to read. I chose to write this in a public place so I didn't absolutely break down.

It started out with a lump that she found. A biopsy was ordered but they thought it might just be a bruise, a cyst.

I had forgotten about it briefly, and one day asked if she had heard from the doctor. I could tell that was the last thing my mom wanted to me ask. She had heard. And it was cancer.

After about a month now of tests, pokes and prods, new doctors and old doctors, her first chemo treatment is set for Monday.

I curse every mile that separates me from her. If I could quite my job and be there tomorrow I would. If I could hold her hand through every appointment and needle and tube I would. But the reality is is that I live many states away and it just isn't the right time to come home yet.

We joke about the possibility of loosing a boob and the likelihood of loosing her hair and I am simply in awe with my mother's strength, patience, and sense of humor. It's just boobs and hair and neither of them make us who we are. 

I have joked that I would shave my head for her. But it's not really a joke. I would. We all struggle with the stuff that we think is important but really has no value to who we are really. We are not our boobs, or our hair, or bodies, or legs, or anything else that we can see. We are souls, and spirits, and hearts, and minds. We are the absolute loves of Jesus.

At the beginning I prayed this a lot, "Please Lord, do not take her away. She's my best friend." Then I prayed "Please Lord, heal her and take the cancer away." Now I find myself praying, "Please Lord, use this for your glory as I know and trust that it's all for your divine and beautiful will."

I'm scared. My dad and grandmother and those that love her are scared. My mom is scared. But what do we have to fear when God is in control?

We are all so optimistic about the days to come. My mom has fought a lot of things in her past and I am sure that this will just be one more thing whose butt my mom will kick! She's a tough lady. A woman who will wear a sexy wig in the coming months. A woman who will be tested but will find the power that she really does possess. A woman who's in for a fight, but will come out stronger than ever. She is a woman I adore and admire and thank God for, every day.


Since I wrote this, my mom has gone through two chemo treatments. Her hair has fallen out and I'm sure she looks just has beautiful as ever! I am going home a week from today and I'm counting down the minutes. If the only thing we do for a week is snuggle on the couch and talk, then it will be the best week ever.


  1. This post made me cry! I know what's it like to be far from home at the worst time. I'll definitely be praying for you and your family!

  2. Thank you, for sharing your story. I lost my Dad to cancer 2 yrs ago. Hang on tight, our God is a God of MIRACLES. We may not know the answer but HE does. Laugh, cry, snuggle, but most of all let her know you love her!

    I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. ~Psalm 130

    He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment. ~Col. 1:17

    The LORD’s unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him. ~Ps 32}

    Praying, for you and your family...

  3. My mother had breast cancer, so I can definitely feel for you. It is a hard thing and everyone deals with it differently. I know what it is like to long to be there when she is far away. I hope you get to spend every moment together and you can visit her often after this visit. I will be praying for you and your family!

  4. Thanks for sharing this Laura, beautiful words...

  5. Beautiful post laura! We just found out last weekend my mom has kidney cancer. We think it can be taken care of with surgery but it was a real wake up call! I was living in this bubble as if nothing bad could ever touch MY family. I haven't blogged about this yet as I am still wrapping my head around it, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story.

  6. Laura, so glad you get to see your mom soon! Thinking of you!

  7. thinking of you and praying for you during this time. i know your visit with your mom is going to be amazing and such a gift. :)gina

  8. Will be upholding you & your whole family in prayer.

    Isaiah 49:15-16
    "Can a woman forget her nursing child,
    that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.."


  9. I will be praying for your mom and your family during this time. I am glad you get to go home soon!

  10. I am truly sorry for your mom and the scary time that she's facing. My husband had stage 3 melanoma and the treatment process was tough. I am praying that your family can rally around your mom and keep her spirits up while she going through her treatments.

  11. I'm so glad that you get to see your mom! I love how honest you were about how God is changing how you pray right now! Praying for you and your mom!

  12. Praying for you. Our amazing Father is the God of ALL comfort. I am so encouraged by your prayer transition, as it strengthens my faith that God will always give grace when we need it.

  13. Our family will keep you and yours in our prayers. My momma battled cancer as well. She has been cancer free 5 years this year! We are hopeful that she will stay in remission for the rest of her natural life.

  14. Oh friend. This post has me in tears. You are beautiful. Praying. Hugs your way xoxo

  15. oh Laura! My thoughts are with your mother, who seems to be a very strong and brave woman. I hope you have a wonderful and happy time visiting her!!!
    Much much love to both of you!!! xoxo

  16. Laura, I share very similar thoughts and feelings. My dad has been battling a rare spinal cancer for a five years now, and it is so hard. This I do know, that God hears and answers prayers, though not always in the way we think they should be. Trust Him. Find ways to help your family as much as possible, I am also far away, and I know it can be frustrating. Also, take care of yourself. It is really easy to slip into depression when these circumstances surround those we love. Hang in there and enjoy showering your mama with love. I'm sure she feels it, even when you can't be there in person.

  17. OH LAURA! My heart broke to read this. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Enjoy and cherish every single moment you have with her. These will be the most precious to you!

  18. Praying for your mom and you as well!

  19. admiring your strength for her
    our God is a big God continue to lean on him.
    sending lots of prayers and hugs to your family!

  20. praying right now for your family, for strength and peace. You are such a good daughter...God has blessed your mama! i love your blog, thanks for sharing this...

  21. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! I'm happy to read that you will be going home to spend time with her. Thanks for sharing. ♥

  22. thank you for sharing this with us laura! i pray that your family finds peace through all of this and that God will's be done and healing!

    love you friend!

  23. Oh thank you for sharing your heart and your story with us. My Grandpa passed away of t-cell lymphoma this month, my friend was diagnosed with testicular cancer this month, and a family friend passed away last week of cancer - it has made my heart heavy. I appreciated the reminder to keep the faith and trust in the Lord.

    "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
    2 Timothy 1:7

  24. I think it is wonderful that you share this part of you because it is in fact a BIG part of you. It will shape you are because it is so close to home. You will always look at cancer now with a different wiew. When my fatherinlaw had cancer it was the last I could ever think could happen to our family, but I learned so much about him and about our family. It brought us together. He refused to wear hats at church, he said he was proud of the way he was with or without hair. I pray for you and your family. I will pray for strength for your mother and for a sense of humour for everyone because I know laughter is what got us through. The jokes made to ease the tension and the stress. Smiling and talking through it helped us and I know it helped him as well. I pray for you and know that God will watch over you and he knows exactly what he is doing God bless: >

  25. I am a new follower
    Love your blog

    Stop by any time

  26. I will be praying for your mom and your family. I am glad you will be able to get back home to be with her. Spend every moment you are able to with her.
    My parents were diagnosed with terminal cancer two weeks apart when I was 24 years old. I lived 4 hours away at the time. It was the hardest thing to go through.
    Bless you!

  27. I know you may think it is stupid, but your mom needs to tell her breast that she loves it. Seriously, it works. She needs to love her body more than ever in this moment. I suggest her to read ''You can heal your body'' by Louise Hay.

  28. I'm so so SOOO incredibly sorry. Truly, I wish I had something better to say than that, but the truth is also that I know nothing really helps or makes it better. At least not news from anyone other than a doctor. My dad has been battling prostate cancer for years - he's getting sort of close to official remission, but I don't think any of us are really letting ourselves think that yet because it's still far enough away for anything to happen. It's just awful when these things happen to parents - after all, they're supposed to be strong and somehow invincible. Or at least I like to think of mine that way. And stuff like this just sucks. And it shakes your whole world view and it's like a punch in the stomach followed by many more blows... and I'm just so incredibly sorry. I wish I had something more eloquent and helpful to say, but I'm keeping you and your mom and your family in my thoughts and prayers. And just know that you - and your mom - are not alone.

  29. Keeping you, your mom and all your family in my prayers. I'm so glad you'll be with her again soon.


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